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Saturday, 3 May 2014

Three way beatings


http://www.discourses.org.uk/parodies/OpeningDay.pdf

The Opening Day of the Three-Way Beatings given by the Lord’s Erect Serpent

Twas brillig, and the Dog of Nam
Did enter with a squaintly gait;
The Bruters hushed with reverent clam And Sinsters ceased to prate.

And every eye watched every step Of holy drambulation
As God’s adjointed wassail passed Among the constigation.

At length he takes the sheet reserved Among the special seatings
For such as those who’ve also swerved At other three-way beatings:

The Mincing Serpents, bleading blights, The bullkies and abruisives
The ones who rose to august sheights, The blest of the Excusives.

A bruter firmly shut the door;
An udder turned the key;
Lest unclean ear the word might hear Or unclean eye might see.

A local man gave out a whim; Another stood to bray;
Then all attention turned to Him To hear what He may say.

The topics were subsquishion And exbedience to dekree, And scrotal sepuration
From those who don’t agree.

With aposquallic fervour
He dispensed this heavily blight While all averred his every word Was absolutely right

What sanctimy, what pouther, We scarce can take it in,
That God has sent us such an one To slave us from our spin.

The place of salivation
Is behind this barbled fence,
But bring with you a stash of cash To coffer the expense.

Written by Ian C. McKay in imitation of Lewis Carroll’s Jabberwocky poem. Further copies are freely available at http://www.discourses.org.uk 

8 comments:

  1. Ian is always brilliant with these ditties
    Jill

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  2. Ian is a poet, a wordsmith and a prophet.

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  3. Love it. I often think laughing at people is the best way to put them in their place.

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  4. Brilliant, I often think laughing at people is the most effective way of putting them in their place.

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  5. Brilliant Ian! I heard Kris Kristofferson open his recent show with 'Darby's Castle' and thought that might lend itself to tell another story ...

    See the ruin of the sect where the hate is smouldering yet
    Like an echo of old contests long forgotten;
    There's a story of peeb homes crushed beneath those blackened stones
    And the roof which fell because the beams were rotten.
    Nelson Darby loved his life, and he went without a wife
    To concentrate on spiritual possessions;
    And he sat around at home and produced the finest tome
    And the brethren soon became his sole obsession.

    Oh, it took a million days while the leaders all were praised
    And the brethren folk were seen for miles around;
    And their egos reached as high as the eagles in the sky -
    But it only took one night to bring it down,
    When Mr Taylor stumbled into town.

    When they found Mad in Jim’s bed there was precious little said
    As ringing in his ears was still the laughing:
    That was going through his mind from the meetings left behind
    And he didn’t care the pious ones were barfing.
    That night Stanley heard a sound, as he laid his green book down,
    And he traced it to the door and turned the handle;
    Then his heart did faster beat as he saw beneath a sheet
    In the shadows where two bodies lay entangled.

    Oh, it took a million days while the leaders all were praised
    And the brethren folk were seen for miles around;
    And their egos reached as high as the eagles in the sky -
    But it only took one night to bring it down,
    When Mr Taylor stumbled into town.

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    Replies
    1. That is very impressive. You would almost think the original Kris Kristofferson version was about the Brethren too. Is there music to go with it? Can you recommend a particular recording, preferable on-line?

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  6. The Questioner8 May 2014 at 09:48

    Ian - MS spellcheck really is useless!

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    Replies
    1. Yes, I’m sorry about that, Questioner. It’s a long time since I had speling lesons.

      Your pseudonym, by the way, will offend people. The Brethren take a dim view of questioners. It’s almost as bad as calling yourself a scientist.

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